Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Nuisance Log Part 1

I'm the type of person that flies off the handle when things don't go even slightly my way. I'm prone to fits of quaking anger at the slightest inconvenience, or bursts of violence towards inanimate objects. My heart rate quadruples, my hands start to shake uncontrollably, I curse the gods, I curse random strangers, I curse myself. In an effort to help distract my possibly diseased psyche from such behavior I'll periodically add to this log with things that irk me beyond hope throughout a particular day. I will try to update this log at least weekly, so:

NUISANCE LOG 9 December 2009

1. While driving to work at 6am down the mostly deserted Highway 246 I accelerated to 70 mph ahead of traffic that was all ready well behind me. I was quickly the only person on the road and switched to "cruising stress free" mode. Another car eventually appeared in my rearview and quickly caught up with me. Not satisfied with trailing me at a safe distance while doing 70 mph (a reasonable speed limit in a 55 mph zone in my opinion) the car began to tail me, leaving roughly 5 feet between our cars. I fantasized about slamming on my brakes and then setting the wreckage of both cars aflame, then possibly break dancing on the ashes.

2. Gave in to my craving for junk food for lunch and went to Burger King. There was an excessive line streaming through the store and out the front door. I waited patiently, starving quietly. Twenty minutes passed as I watched an adorable abuelita pay for sixteen whopper meals with nickels. Eventually it was my turn to order, but the burger monger taking my order explained to me that the receipt paper had run out and he needed to get more. He left, and returned 2 or 3 minutes later with a roll of paper which was, holy crap, not the right size. An argument broke out between the burger monger and the day manager in which one demanded that the paper would fit while the other refused to try a second time. This went on for quite some time, during which I dreamed of an apocalyptic onion ring holocaust.

3. Encountered several, that is, more than one, catch-22's at work. Several solutions were available to me, all of which were cryptic and possibly illegal. Emailed coworkers, leadership, friends in other cities, and the base Rabbi. Was encouraged to give up, power down my work station and slip quietly into Canada. Spent the rest of the afternoon pouring over obscure texts (written in some archaic possibly babylonian-derived language) searching for guidance. Found no guidance, wept silently at my desk waiting for my demotion and imprisonment.

Nope. I don't feel better yet. This will do for therapy for now...more to come I assure you.