Resume of Ridiculousness: The Beer Store

One day when I was 13 my stepdad "surprised" me with a job offer to go work at a local beverage center where he often stopped to get coffee in the mornings. I jumped at the opportunity to earn cash off the books, after school mostly and on weekend mornings.

I'd never actually stepped foot inside this place and learned on my first day that, holy crap, they sold a crazy assortment of beers!! Beers from all over the world!!!! And, Kegs! Kegs of beer!!!! Here I was, 13, staring at a wall of beers, most of which I'd never heard of before: Grolsch, Red Stripe, Lowenbrau, St. Pauli Girl (honk honk), etc, etc.

Honk honk!

I also ran a redemption center - various bag ladies and vagrants would turn in empties for cash, at 5 cents a pop. The smell was magnificent. Like hot, sweet vomit.

After a few weeks I worked up the courage to start stealing beer to bring out with me and friends. I basically would come in after school with an empty backpack, and then leave with a six pack or two, or several 40s. Delicious and nutritious!

The owners were an older couple, total weirdos. The man had ridiculously long hair that he kept pinned up in various styles - like a woman. He also had boobs, and wore a mustache. The woman was some new-age freakshow, smelled like patchouli and kept crystals all over the place. They creeped me out at first, but they were good people more or less.

One day I didn't feel like working there any more for some reason. I stopped showing up, never called Mustache Man-Boobs or the Hippie Lady. I never heard from them about it either. My parents never asked me about it.

Randomly quitting a job with out any sort of justification or without letting anyone know became a tradition of mine. Haha.