Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Ten Ridiculously Awesome Creatures


Here's a list of ten animals I think are ridiculously awesome, in no particular order, for no reason other than to amuse myself and my average of 1.3 readers...monthly. For more info on these ridiculous creatures feel free to click on the links o' information I have lovingly included.

1.  The Yak - huge, furry, horned mountain creatures with a name synonomous with puking. This is the animal I would choose to ride into battle, like some sort of ridiculous Mongolian doom-merchant. I like saying Yak. YAK.
Hi-ho Yakkie, away!!!
  Yak - Wikipedia

2. The Coral Snake - Gummy worms! Awesome! Wait a minute...

If I was a child that encountered this snake I would immediately grab for it and try to eat it like a multi-colored Twizzler. Then, I would be bitten, and die very quickly and horribly from the extremely potent neurotoxic venom ravaging my body (this is the most venomous snake in North America).
Lemon, cherry, licorice...the flavors of death.
Gummy worms, er, Coral Snake - Wikipedia


3. The Golden Eagle - The physical embodiment of "Awesome". No lap dog is safe with this monster roaming the skies. Hell, I think your German Sheppherd might not stand a chance either. Better stock up on SAMs. Ka-KAWWW, bitches!!

Chicken of Doom - Wikipedia

4. The Man-o-War Nudibranch - WTF?! How is this a real animal? What? it eats jellyfish for breakfast too?!? That's it, I'm moving into the storm cellar.

Fake animal that Wikipedia swears is real - Wikipedia

5. The Horned Lizard - has possibly the most "metal" defense mechanism in nature: when frightened, this little lizard will squirt BLOOD out of its eyes. I also think it's one of the most adorable wittle wizards in the world. I will never say that again, ever, I promise.

This one's name is Ouchy.
Horned Lizard - Wikipedia

6. The Badger - Hands down one of the most ferocious creatures pound-for-pound on the planet. Badgers have been known to chase grizzly bears away from kills, they regularly pick fights with venomous snakes just for fun, and they are also born as certified F-22 pilots! Fuckin' A, he's on my team.
%$#@!!

7. Phylobates Terribilis (The Golden Poison Frog) - Another creature that looks like candy, and then kills you horribly and quickly after you try to lick it. In fact, it is the most toxic creature in the world.

It is said that people have died from coming in contact with leaves that this frog has brushed up against. The funny thing is that wild caught frogs raised in captivity eventually lose their toxicity. Something they eat in the wild helps them produce this extraordinarily potent toxin - and no one knows for sure what the hell it is. I've actually worked on a breeding and research project for these things, they make great pets believe it or not. Except when they kill you.

Death, in its most adorable form.
Golden Poison Frog - Wikipedia

8. The Blue Whale - um, over 100 feet long...weighing in at over 200 tons (that's 200,000 pounds people, poop yourselves as needed). In short, the largest living creature EVER. By a lot. That's pretty fucking ridiculously awesome.

A blue whale skull. You thought this was a giant shmeckle, didn't you? Pervert.
Blue Whale - Wikipedia

9. The Giant Pacific Octopus - Great googly moogly, look at this gelatinous tentacled behemoth!

Apparently they still need scuba gear to survive under water. Oh wait, it's that bag of mucus he's wrestling with...
Big Ass Octopus - Wikipedia

10. The Emu - The most hilarious living organism in the world. Look at this thing! It's like a cross between a 6-foot-tall chicken and Groucho Marx.

HILARIOUS TANGENT: When I was in college I saw an ad in the paper for an emu for sale, for $60!!! Who wouldn't want an emu, and for only $60?! That's a must-buy-immediately in my book. I drove down in my Honda Accord with $60 in my hand thinking I could stuff the emu into the back seat and let its head dangle out the window or something. The owner of the emu was very angry that I would suggest transporting an adult emu in the backseat of a Honda Accord, and the mention of housing the fucking thing in my dorm room promptly got me escorted off the premises. At the time I thought this was a perfectly reasonable idea. In fact, I still do.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx/Chicken (Emu) - Wikipedia

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Single Dude's/Chick's Day

In defiance of this most-hated day of the year, February 14th (aka Valentine's Day) I propose a new holiday to celebrate the wondrous gift to the world that is the Single Man or the Single Woman.

You see, the world all ready has holidays for lovers (Valentines Day, February 14th), Mothers (Mother's Day, 2nd Sunday in May), Fathers (Father's Day, 3rd Sunday in June), grandparents (National Grandparent's Day, first sunday after Labor Day), freaking pirates (Talk Like a Pirate Day, September 19th), and so forth. Strangely, us single folks have been omitted from the cavalcade of annual celebrations. I propose to change this by instituting Single Dude's Day and Single Chick's Day.

Single Dude's Day - A national celebration of masculine solitude and of all things associated with the male bachelor. The traditional observance of Single Dude's Day will include the following:
  1. Single Dudes have no use for flowers or chocolate. Gifts of sports memorabilia, weaponry, beef jerky (or venison jerky, an acceptable alternative), and whiskey are more appropriate.
  2. Greeting cards are not necessary, but if used must include at least one image of a half-naked woman.
  3. Phone calls from loved ones and family are mandatory and must be positive in nature. Harassing a single dude because he "hasn't settled down yet" is strictly prohibited and taboo. Acceptable alternatives include telling a single dude "You really look good when you don't shave or comb your hair," or "Yes, I really enjoy your old Thundercats figurines as well."

Because this is awesome.

Single Chick's Day - A national day of mourning for feminine solitude, observance includes:
  1. Constant bombardment with flowers and chocolate, possibly via air drop, in a desparate attempt to let the Single Chick know that "someone cares out there."
  2. Greeting cards are mandatory and must be oversized, dripping with glitter, and scented of fresh Tunisian jasmine and apricots. Cards should feature images of kittens, naked firefighters, or of happy couples being eaten by velociraptors.
  3. Phone calls from loved ones are mandatory as well and should be overly cheerful in nature. Loved ones and family should compliment the Single Chick's every endeavor however foolhardy or naive/manipulative. Also, calls should contain several overly positive references to the Single Chick's hairstyle, current physical appearance, and/or shoe collection.

What, no black pumps?!
Now, all we need is to set a date for these holidays. August doesn't have too much going on, lets do it then.

P.S. - I all ready have a set of shuriken, so if you buy me weaponry please send something besides ninja throwing stars.