Movie Review: Cloverfield

I had no idea what to expect with this movie. I knew it was mostly shot with a hand-held camera, and I was kind of wary of this. However, the movie plays out so naturally that I was visibly shaking from all the action and afterward I noticed I had chewed all my fingernails. Apart from practically giving me an anxiety attack, this movie satisfied my urgent craving for a good action movie and scared the crap out of me for some reason. I still can't figure out what was so terrifying about this movie - maybe it's the utter realism, the fact that once again my hometown is destroyed, or my innate fear of giant, slobbering reptile-like space mutants.

J.J. Abrams really has a penchant for subtlety and mysterious material - this movie leaves a lot of questions for the viewer. Rather than tell the story from some vague perspective up in the sky or something, we are right there on the ground with the "common folk", piecing things together for ourselves. We don't know why things are happening, we barely even see what is causing all the mayhem until the very end of the movie.

Good movie, if you like movies where stuff blows up, people die, and lots is left for the imagination, this is for you.

Cloverfield - IMDb

Movie Review: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

You would think a movie about Jesse James would be full of action, drama, suspense, violence. Think again. This movie offers very little to Western fans. There are moments where some stuff explodes, but somehow this movie removes the fun from these scenes - instead of "Kablooeey!!", you get "boom, fizzle, whimper". Most of the movie revolves around watching Casey Afleck's character Robert Ford stare blankly out of a dirty window. Unless you have endless patience and an extreme thirst for subdued, whispering dialogue skip this movie. Maybe I need to watch it again? Meh, too long and boring. I gotta say, the cinematography is great, the film is artfully captured.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - IMDb

Movie Review: Blazing Saddles

If you don't laugh out loud during the entirety of this film, there is something wrong with you and you need to have your mental health evaluated immediately. I only write this because I care about you.

This is by far, in my opinion, Mel Brooks' best work, incorporating all of his usual deft with slapstick and nonsense, mixing in a little social commentary, and of course, some amazing song and dance routines.

The plot runs something like this: a shady politico and his cohorts plan to destroy the town of Rockridge in order to make room for a new railroad line. The town is in need of a new sheriff, and in an attempt to quicken the destruction of the town, the corrupt politician appoints a...wait for it...black sheriff!! The sheriff turns out to be more than awesome at his job, eventually foiling the evil plot, saving the town, and riding off into the sunset in a limo.

I've heard some people say that this movie is "slow" - this is ridiculous. There are scenes that seem to drag a bit, but this is done on purpose: listen to the dialogue during these scenes, it's freaking hilarious. If you find any part of this movie boring, it's because you, in fact, are boring. Simple and boring. I've literally changed my opinion of people based on their reaction to this movie. Seems shallow, I know, but this is serious business here. Shnitzengruben!! Hahaha.

This is also one of those films that you can return to and find new things that you missed during previous viewings. There is a lot of subtle humor in this film; there is also a lot of not-so-subtle humor in this film.

To me, some of the funniest scenes are towards the end with an outrageous song-and-dance number and a  great food fight. Also, look out for tons of classic lines, like "Badges? We don't need no stinkin badges!", "Hey, where the white women at?", and so forth.

And remember, "Mongo only pawn in game of life."

Blazing Saddles - IMDb

Movie Review: Memoirs of a Geisha

When the book a film is based on has better imagery than the film, you know you have problems. This movie was like a crappy soap opera, with poor dialogue, stuffy actors, cheesy close-ups... I didn't enjoy the pace of the film either - it tries to follow the events of the book very closely, while maintaining the 2 1/2 hour length. This makes the movie seem to jump from one event to the next with poor transition and a lot left for the viewer to piece together from shaky dialogue. Some of the sets were really well done, as were the costumes, but there just wasn't enough of either. Read the book, skip the movie, unless you catch it on tv or something.

Memoirs of a Geisha - IMDb

Movie Review: The Station Agent

Just about everyone calls this a "quiet" film. I guess there isn't a lot of dialogue, few car chases (there is one, kind of) or explosions, hence, it is a "quiet" film. There is a nice contrast between the introverted main character and Joe, the loud-mouthed snack truck guy. The female lead, Olivia, doesn't seem to fit in once the movie gets going - in fact, her entire presence in the film is a downer and I didn't particularly care for the actress all that much. Several other characters wade seamlessly in and out of scenes, the setting is very interesting, the story is intriguing...over all, a nice movie to watch on a crappy day when there is nothing else to do.

The Station Agent - IMDb

Movie Review: Helvetica

This was interesting at first, especially learning just how prolific Helvetica is in everyday life. After about half an hour, though, it's just more of the same. I guess if you're into graphic design or have a fascination with advertising you will thoroughly enjoy this documentary. I really had a hard time focusing on this one because I don't have any interest in either. The people interviewed are interesting and have a strange passion for fonts, which again, is over my head. Definitely worth a viewing, though it drags on after about half an hour.

Helvetica - IMDb

Movie Review: Let The Right One In

This is one of the best vampire flicks I've ever seen. Subtle, simple, heart warming (believe it or not) - It plays out more like a fable than a horror movie. A quiet film that you will have to rewind at certain key parts to fully grasp the scene. Oscar and Eli are a unique pair, and their relationship is bizarre and beautiful to say the least, a bit awkward at times, like all childhood relationships I guess. 

I watched this in the dubbed-over english rather than having to endure subtitles - not bad, some of the voice-over work is weird: some characters don't exactly fit the english voices matched to them. I wish there was more expansion on the setting, we don't get to see much of where the action is taking place aside from tight shots of buildings, streets, the school, and wooded areas.

The movie builds up to a shocking climax which, although we see coming from the beginning of the film, will undoubtedly leave you pressing the rewind button again and again.

Let The Right One In - IMDb

Movie Review: Brüno

Definitely does not live up to the hype generated by the previous film based on a Sacha Baron Cohen movie, Borat. Still, Brüno is worth seeing, especially with a group of people that share a similar warped sense of humor. Some scenes are absolutely ridiculous. I definitely laughed out-loud several times which is rare for me... I think the gay stuff was waaaay over the top, but looking back that's kind of what makes it so funny. It's that cringe factor that makes this movie so appealing. It's too short though...i really wanted at least another half hour of this ridiculous film.

Brüno - IMDb

Movie Review: Where the Wild Things Are

I have never read the famous children's book, but was familiar enough with it to have an interest in seeing this film. I also heard that Karen O. from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs did the soundtrack, and she rocks - the soundtrack was awesome, unique. The film, however, was a mishmash of psychological metaphors and deliberations on the meaning of childhood. I didn't understand the conflicts, I didn't understand most of the characters.

I will say the film is unique from a design perspective. The monsters are a one-of-a-kind creation and they look amazingly realistic...to the point where you forget that they are fake, essentially just giant muppets. Some of the cinematography is incredibly well shot. All in all, though, the movie keeps the viewer out of the story. We learn very little about the events that transpire, and as the credits rolled I hurried to turn the film off and buy the soundtrack off of iTunes.

Where the Wild Things Are - IMDb

Enroute

Our flight to Sweden was like something out of a movie, a crappy movie about a crappy plane. We packed into this C130 air-jalopy so tight we couldn't even stand up without toppling over each other or touching one another in hilarious yet inappropriate places. Our belongings were literally hanging off of hooks above our heads, swinging menacingly in the breeze.

We settled into our seats and got a short safety briefing which pretty much boiled down to "Everyone sit down, buckle up, and pray to your respective God/deities." One man sitting near me raised his hand and said that his safety buckle was broken. The man giving the briefing told him to tie it in a knot and to "hang on to something". The only things within arms reach to hang on to were: a) other people desperately clinging to safety themselves, b) any wires, tubing, pipes, cables, or netting nearby, c) your faith in aforementioned God/deities.

I squeezed myself between several women, all of which I was about to REALLY get to know. I introduced myself and told them I was buying them all dinner afterwards, apologizing that there was no time for foreplay. One girl sitting directly opposite me was sitting in such a way that the only comfortable position for either of us was to "scissor" our legs, my leg between hers and vice versa. I became a little uncomfortable at her eagerness for this feat of ergonomics, but couldn't hear an over-enthusiastic word she yelled at me over the roar of the throttling engine. Something about "stud muffins" and "sexy knees."

The engines exploded into action, creating a deafining boom in our ears while the temperature inside the cabin seesawed back and forth between stiflingly hot and Siberia cold. The pilot decided to be extra dramatic with the take-off, giving us little warning before banking sharply one way then the other. Bags went flailing wildly, the girl sitting across from me squealed with pleasure, and I grabbed at the mess of wires behind my head for some stability. I was thrown forward, then backward, then sideways, then back into my seat. When we regained some semblance of calm I noticed a tangled nest of wires in my hand, and hurredly shoved them behind my seat. I hope those weren't important, but if there's a cargo plane out there that is having some trouble with it's landing gear, I sincerely apologize.

Departure

Thanks to the nature of my job, I've been relocated to the middle of nowhere for the next 6 months of my life. I can't exactly say where I am right now, so let's assign a codeword for my present location. How about: Sweden. Whenever I mention Sweden, I am really referring to "the place that shall not be named."

The journey over here was epic to say the least. Not epic, like that ridiculous game of beer pong you played a few weeks ago that ended in naked female jello wrestling, but epic as in long and arduous.

My first attempted departure from home base (California) resulted in being left on the tarmac because of overweight baggage. My travel buddy Amanda had packed 5 pairs of high heels which apparently put her over the weight limit and kept us from boarding the plane. We had to wait until the next flight which left later that afternoon. So, back to our coworkers house for drinks, naps, and lunch.

We finally made it onto the twenty-seat prop plane about 10 hours later - Amanda was thoroughly sloshed at this point, but she turned out to be a happy mess of a drunk rather than a slobbering retard. She sang and danced loudly and without shame as we boarded the plane, and then proceeded to declare that it was a "party plane". To my surprise, the other 10 passengers whole-heartedly agreed and we proceeded to order a round of drinks for everyone. We applauded the stewardess after she completed her safety demonstration, she coyly thanked us, and we were off.

Our schedule remained unchanged after this, which meant we had to scramble like lunatics to catch our connecting flight from LA to Chicago, and then from Chicago to Virginia. Landing in Virginia we managed to sneak in more drinks, naps and lunch. So far so good. Lots of drinking, napping, and lunching thusfar, little drama, and a nice spattering of hilarious shenanigans courtesy of Amanda.

From Virginia it was off to Germany for a 3 hour layover. We were hustled into a small, cramped terminal that smelled like a poorly maintained truckstop. They did sell fine German beer, so more drinking, napping, and lunching on bizarre German candies.

This is where I start to get vague, sorry for the inconvenience. We had a two day layover enroute to Sweden at another location I will refer to as Portugal. Immediately after we got off the plane we were hustled into several briefings, and then to the warehouse for supplies. This is where I somehow got separated from the group of 300 or so and wound up completely alone at 3am with no idea of where to go. So, naturally, I climbed into the first truck that would stop. Luckily the guy behind the wheel knew where to take me, so it was off to the lodging office for a tent assignment.

No linens, and 2 miles on foot later I found my "bed" and crashed. I had the bottom bunk, which consisted of a bare mattress and a seemingly clean pillow. The air conditioning was on the Antarctic setting, and with no sheets or blankets of any kind I had to rely on my copious chest hair and bath towels to keep me warm. At one point I covered my legs with magazines, the right with Rolling Stone, the left with National Geographic Traveler.

The next morning I still had not found my group and had no instruction as to where I needed to be or when or why. I wandered aimlessly for half the day, taking full advantage of the 3 beer maximum at the bar and stopping several times for iced coffee at the coffee shop. Luckily I happened to bump into some folks I came in with and they filled me in on the plan. 0530 the next morning we were getting out of there, on the first plane to Sweden.