Enroute

Our flight to Sweden was like something out of a movie, a crappy movie about a crappy plane. We packed into this C130 air-jalopy so tight we couldn't even stand up without toppling over each other or touching one another in hilarious yet inappropriate places. Our belongings were literally hanging off of hooks above our heads, swinging menacingly in the breeze.

We settled into our seats and got a short safety briefing which pretty much boiled down to "Everyone sit down, buckle up, and pray to your respective God/deities." One man sitting near me raised his hand and said that his safety buckle was broken. The man giving the briefing told him to tie it in a knot and to "hang on to something". The only things within arms reach to hang on to were: a) other people desperately clinging to safety themselves, b) any wires, tubing, pipes, cables, or netting nearby, c) your faith in aforementioned God/deities.

I squeezed myself between several women, all of which I was about to REALLY get to know. I introduced myself and told them I was buying them all dinner afterwards, apologizing that there was no time for foreplay. One girl sitting directly opposite me was sitting in such a way that the only comfortable position for either of us was to "scissor" our legs, my leg between hers and vice versa. I became a little uncomfortable at her eagerness for this feat of ergonomics, but couldn't hear an over-enthusiastic word she yelled at me over the roar of the throttling engine. Something about "stud muffins" and "sexy knees."

The engines exploded into action, creating a deafining boom in our ears while the temperature inside the cabin seesawed back and forth between stiflingly hot and Siberia cold. The pilot decided to be extra dramatic with the take-off, giving us little warning before banking sharply one way then the other. Bags went flailing wildly, the girl sitting across from me squealed with pleasure, and I grabbed at the mess of wires behind my head for some stability. I was thrown forward, then backward, then sideways, then back into my seat. When we regained some semblance of calm I noticed a tangled nest of wires in my hand, and hurredly shoved them behind my seat. I hope those weren't important, but if there's a cargo plane out there that is having some trouble with it's landing gear, I sincerely apologize.