Mittens

- originally written and posted November 14th, 2006
I'm not one of those metro-sexuals. I don't use PRODUCT in my hair, I use hair-goo, and sparingly at that. I have never and will never get a MANICURE or a PEDICURE, I use my teeth, even on my feet (just kidding). I also don't get my EYEBROWS WAXED, which, for a man, I think is the most un-manly activity as yet to be defined as such.

I have, however, considered getting my back waxed, simply because i don't enjoy watching girls cry at the sight of me with my shirt off, screaming things like "kill it, please lord, KILL IT!" and "wow, a real-life ewok". I'm furry, and sometimes I get just a bit self-conscious, especially when the women weep. But in the end, my overwhelming manliness get's the better of me and I shake off the urge to "manscape" and pull a week-old sandwich out of my chest hair and chew it delicately while watching a monster truck rally on tv and sitting in my underwear on my couch.
I hate shopping more than most men. I like to buy some new threads once in a while, but mostly I want to go in, buy my shit, and promptly exit (perhaps shooting an awkward yet suggestive glance at the amazingly attractive girl at American Eagle...what's up baby, yeah, you know me). I usually go alone, in and out in seconds, leaving nothing but tattered debit card receipts in my wake. I don't talk to anyone, I don't compare prices at different stores, I don't even try stuff on when I can avoid to. I'm a shopping ninja.

I was practicing my shopping ninja skills the other day at the Pearlridge mall in Aiea on the thusfar thoroughly absurd colony of Oahu. I walked into the Gap to buy shorts, maybe a plain t-shirt or something. Underpants, I needed underpants too. Lots of underpants. Anyway, I spent ten minutes or so wandering the store, occassionally drifting involuntarily into the women's sleepwear section, but who could blame me. After a few odd looks from the ladies I meandered back to the mens side for my shorts. After a few confused minutes I realized I couldn't find any shorts. I also couldn't find any t-shirts.

Wait, what the hell is going on, I thought, shaking off the fantasy of the girl from American Eagle wearing Gap sleepwear telling me repeatedly how much she "can't believe it's not butter". Instead of t-shirts and shorts (typical hawaii wear) I saw Parka's, poofy coats, pea-coats, scarves, and fucking mittens. MITTENS!!! IN HAWAII!!! It has never, ever snowed on the island of Oahu. The average LOW temperature in WINTER here is 80-something. Why is there winter clothing for sale in the Gap. No, here's a better question...why is there EXCLUSIVELY NOTHING BUT WINTER CLOTHING FOR SALE in the Gap?? Do the good people at the Gap know something we don't about climate change? Is someone planning a massive, 3-month long ice-festival in Honolulu, where tons and tons of snow will be imported from Alaska via super-fast hovercraft?

It's so hot here all the time, even at night, that people walk around naked and it's perfectly acceptable. The newswoman on channel 8? Naked. The governor, Mrs. Lingle? Always naked. The Hawaiian National Guard uniform? Nudity. Point is, it's too hot for clothing in Hawaii.
So, here's my message to the Gap: Lose the winter clothing in your stores in Hawaii. There's no need for them. There is no snow in Hawaii, except at the very top of Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa, and no one goes there. I have no use for wool mittens here, nor knitted scarves, nor gortex parkas. I need a pair of board shorts, slippahs, and underpants. Lots of underpants for some reason.