Leafblower Madness

-Originally written and posted October 23rd, 2006
Have you ever been rattled from a deep sleep by some ungodly noise coming from outside your room? Has this ever happened to you two nights in a row? How about ten nights in a row?
Someone needs to sit down with me one day, maybe over brunch or something, and explain to me the rationale behind the impulse one might feel to throttle-up a fucking leaf blower at 4:30 in the morning. Seriously. How can someone be so irked by accumulating leaves and twigs that they are moved to unleash the ultimate power in lawn and garden cleaning, the Blowmaster 5000, at the ass-crack of dawn.

Yes, 5000cc's of wind-generating, hand-held mayhem, enough to blow the snot out of your six year old, enough to blow the dentures right out of grandma's mouth. Fuck the goddamn broom that would be more than adequate for the four pine needles gently wafting across your sidewalk. I need to punish those fucking pine needles, send them back to the evergreen hell from where they came with some over-the-top wind power.

Someone needs to stop this maniac leaf-blower. I need to sleep passed 4:30am at least once this week.